Revisiting my last two postings...
When I brought up the subject of people saying "I'd like to start a conversation. Please read my profile," I fully expected that more people would have understood why I find it a bit distasteful. I wasn't prepared for some of the responses.
One fellow said (and I paraphrase), "Why are you being so negative toward women?" Even when I emphasized that my comments were gender-neutral and applied equally well to both sexes, he failed to get it. His response? "Do you really think that men and women need to behave the same?" How do you reason with someone like that? At no point do I deny that the genders need to behave in exactly the same way, but that doesn't mean that certain rules of conduct never apply to both sexes!
More than one person said, "Men need to make the first move! Women shouldn't take the initiative!" One lady even said, "I choose to be a southern lady." They were missing the obvious. If a woman asks a man to read her profile, then she has ALREADY taken the first move! You can't invite a man to read about you, then insist that he should be the aggressor. That ship has sailed, folks!
How hard is it to just start a conversation? The rules of conduct don't change simply because you're online.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
More on singles site profiles
I just wanted to revisit my blog posting from yesterday. In that posting, I commented on how some people introduce themselves on singles sites by saying. "Hi. I'd like to get to know you. Please read my profile and tell me what you think." I realize that not everybody will agree with me on this point, but I think that such introductions are ill-advised. Indeed, I think they're kinda rude, as they basically place the recipient in the position of having to figure out what they can talk about.
When I discussed this matter online, one guy said, "I do it to save time. Why should I waste my time on a long response if the other person isn't interested?" I think that's not only foolish, it's also rude. It's foolish because one's introduction doesn't have to be very long -- a short paragraph should suffice. It's rude because the sender wants to save time, but also wants the recipient to put in the time necessary to read his/her profile and compose a response. That's kinda self-cented and inconsiderate.
One person responded to me by saying "I think u r taking this wayyyyyyyy to serious LOL if it bugs u that much, write her back and tell her, thats if..." -- well, you get the picture. I think this illustrates the problem. People who don't communicate well are less likely to understand the importance of actually starting a conversation, as opposed to offering some generic introduction. They fail to grasp why it's important to actually start some sort of discussion if you want to have a conversation.
People like this remind me of people who don't bother to proofread their resumes or supply a personalized cover letter when they apply for a job. They figure that they're just saving time, and that sounds reasonable. Ultimately though, I think it does indicate a tendency to do a minimal amount of work, or close to it. It's saying "Eh. Good enough." And when it comes to asking someone to "review [your] profile then get back to me," it's even more objectionable. Why? Because it's basically asking the other person to pour in work, whereas you opt to take the easy approach.
I know that some people -- perhaps may people -- wouldn't see it that way. They would say, "What's the harm? You want to read singles profiles anyway, right?" While this may sounds reasonable on the surface, I think it overlooks an important principle -- namely, that it's best to avoid needlessly imposing on other people. If you want someone to read your profile, then give them some incentive to do so. It's a lot better than just saying "Please read my profile and tell me what you think." Little niceties like this may seem trivial, but they have their place.
When I discussed this matter online, one guy said, "I do it to save time. Why should I waste my time on a long response if the other person isn't interested?" I think that's not only foolish, it's also rude. It's foolish because one's introduction doesn't have to be very long -- a short paragraph should suffice. It's rude because the sender wants to save time, but also wants the recipient to put in the time necessary to read his/her profile and compose a response. That's kinda self-cented and inconsiderate.
One person responded to me by saying "I think u r taking this wayyyyyyyy to serious LOL if it bugs u that much, write her back and tell her, thats if..." -- well, you get the picture. I think this illustrates the problem. People who don't communicate well are less likely to understand the importance of actually starting a conversation, as opposed to offering some generic introduction. They fail to grasp why it's important to actually start some sort of discussion if you want to have a conversation.
People like this remind me of people who don't bother to proofread their resumes or supply a personalized cover letter when they apply for a job. They figure that they're just saving time, and that sounds reasonable. Ultimately though, I think it does indicate a tendency to do a minimal amount of work, or close to it. It's saying "Eh. Good enough." And when it comes to asking someone to "review [your] profile then get back to me," it's even more objectionable. Why? Because it's basically asking the other person to pour in work, whereas you opt to take the easy approach.
I know that some people -- perhaps may people -- wouldn't see it that way. They would say, "What's the harm? You want to read singles profiles anyway, right?" While this may sounds reasonable on the surface, I think it overlooks an important principle -- namely, that it's best to avoid needlessly imposing on other people. If you want someone to read your profile, then give them some incentive to do so. It's a lot better than just saying "Please read my profile and tell me what you think." Little niceties like this may seem trivial, but they have their place.
Friday, January 26, 2007
I have profiles on a few singles dating sites. I don't get a lot of responses to them; however, when I do, about half of them say something like the following:
"Hi! I"d like to start a conversation. Please read my profile and tell me what you think."
Now, I understand that these people mean well; however, I don't think I would ever respond to such a message. It indicates a certain level of rudeness and a great deal of laziness. It amounts to saying, "I want us to talk, but I want you to do the hard work of getting the ball rolling. So please read my profile and decide what we should talk about."
Is this making too much of nothing? I don't think so. Common sense and decorum dictate that if you want to start a conversation, you do so in a normal manner. Find something to talk about, instead of expecting the other person to do the work for you.
When I brought this up on a singles discussion board though, half a dozen people responded by saying, "There's nothing rude about it! It's just a way of saying hello!" I find that baffling. Is that how they say hello in the real world? "Hi. I'd like to talk. Why don't you find something that we can discuss?"
A few people said, "I don't want to type out a lengthy message, only to get shot down! It's much simpler to just ask people to read my profile instead." I understand that they don't want to waste time, but really... you don't need a lengthy message. Just get the conversation started, instead of asking the other person to do the work for you.
Yes, I was deeply surprised at these responses. Somehow I suspect that these people wouldn't be saying the same thing if somebody used those tactics in real life. I'm not talking offering a smile or a sly look. I'm talking about asking the other person to review your profile (or whatever passes for it in the real world) and then let you know if she/he is interested.
After all, one can always start by bringing up a topic of common interest. This isn't being aggressive; in fact, it's pretty neutral. People of the same sex do it all the time, even on sites like this, so it's hardly the mark of an overly aggressive woman.
As a few acquiantances of mine said on an Internet message board,
On an unrelated note, I was also reading about the shenanigans of scammer Eli Sharvit. Yoiks. What a crook. Elsewhere, I also read that he's continuing to deceive people -- that his company has merely changed names, but basically operates in the same scamming mode. If that's true, then it's a truly despicable situation.
"Hi! I"d like to start a conversation. Please read my profile and tell me what you think."
Now, I understand that these people mean well; however, I don't think I would ever respond to such a message. It indicates a certain level of rudeness and a great deal of laziness. It amounts to saying, "I want us to talk, but I want you to do the hard work of getting the ball rolling. So please read my profile and decide what we should talk about."
Is this making too much of nothing? I don't think so. Common sense and decorum dictate that if you want to start a conversation, you do so in a normal manner. Find something to talk about, instead of expecting the other person to do the work for you.
When I brought this up on a singles discussion board though, half a dozen people responded by saying, "There's nothing rude about it! It's just a way of saying hello!" I find that baffling. Is that how they say hello in the real world? "Hi. I'd like to talk. Why don't you find something that we can discuss?"
A few people said, "I don't want to type out a lengthy message, only to get shot down! It's much simpler to just ask people to read my profile instead." I understand that they don't want to waste time, but really... you don't need a lengthy message. Just get the conversation started, instead of asking the other person to do the work for you.
Yes, I was deeply surprised at these responses. Somehow I suspect that these people wouldn't be saying the same thing if somebody used those tactics in real life. I'm not talking offering a smile or a sly look. I'm talking about asking the other person to review your profile (or whatever passes for it in the real world) and then let you know if she/he is interested.
After all, one can always start by bringing up a topic of common interest. This isn't being aggressive; in fact, it's pretty neutral. People of the same sex do it all the time, even on sites like this, so it's hardly the mark of an overly aggressive woman.
As a few acquiantances of mine said on an Internet message board,
"I delete those messages off the bat. The least they could do is respond to something in my profile. A simple 'I like Regina Spektor too!' would suffice. It doesn't have to be a novel, but any kind of message indicating you've looked beyond my age and my ethnicity would be nice."
"The message should make it clear that they at least read your profile, and it's not a mass message."
"Sounds like a spammed response to anyone who has the genital requirements the sender seeks. I concur... lazy. If there's a hint that the sender actually read the ad and indicated in one sentence why they responded to you, it would be a massive improvement."
On an unrelated note, I was also reading about the shenanigans of scammer Eli Sharvit. Yoiks. What a crook. Elsewhere, I also read that he's continuing to deceive people -- that his company has merely changed names, but basically operates in the same scamming mode. If that's true, then it's a truly despicable situation.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Short men, overweight women
It's common knowledge that men tend to prefer women who are somewhat slender. Before anyone objects, I know that not all men feel that way. I also know that men have different notions of what slender is, and that men don't necessarily prefer the anorexic, waif-like look. We are talking about generalities here, so let's acknowledge that and move on.(And before anyone asks, I myself have been attracted to moderately overweight women before, especially those with pleasing personalities. So I'm not saying that I would never want to date an overweight woman myself; quite the contrary. I want to emphasize this right now, lets anyone put words in my mouth.)
It's also common knowledge that women prefer men who are tall. Again, I know that not all women feel that way, and that there are differing notions of how tall men should be. As a general principle though, this preference is widely acknowledged.
So why is it that society constantly laments the fact that men tend to prefer thinner women, and yet you seldom hear women being criticized for preferring taller men? In fact, I've seen many singles ads wherein women listed the minimum height requirements for the men that they would consider dating. I daresay that if a man were to list a minimum bodyfat requirement for the women he seeks, he would be considered shallow and overly concerned with appearance.
BTW, don't forget that people can at least control their waistlines to some extent. There's virtually nothing that men can do to change their height.
Mind you, I do agree that we need to be willing to look past the physical. I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm just saying that there appears to be a double standard at play.
It's also common knowledge that women prefer men who are tall. Again, I know that not all women feel that way, and that there are differing notions of how tall men should be. As a general principle though, this preference is widely acknowledged.
So why is it that society constantly laments the fact that men tend to prefer thinner women, and yet you seldom hear women being criticized for preferring taller men? In fact, I've seen many singles ads wherein women listed the minimum height requirements for the men that they would consider dating. I daresay that if a man were to list a minimum bodyfat requirement for the women he seeks, he would be considered shallow and overly concerned with appearance.
BTW, don't forget that people can at least control their waistlines to some extent. There's virtually nothing that men can do to change their height.
Mind you, I do agree that we need to be willing to look past the physical. I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm just saying that there appears to be a double standard at play.
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